I realized today...I love her

For eight months I have busied myself with paperwork and fundraising. I have barely, if at all, come up for breath since we decided to adopt. I have over 200 pieces of paper in my very organized adoption binder. We have crossed every T and dotted every I. My dear husband has eagerly driven to Austin twice to get everything apostilled. We have spent many days checking our email every five minutes and racing each other home to check the mail. We've had four garage sales, sold some jewelry, had an iPad give-away, a crawfish boil, an online auction...and more to raise funds. We have been about to raise about $8000 and we have paid over $11,000. We still have about $12,000 left in travel expenses and our final agency/program fees. I know there is more as these numbers seem low but these are my best quick calculations for now. Money was a big part of our adoption fear but after I turned that fear over to God He showed me that it would all work out. I promised to do my part so I worked my behind off fundraising. So many people have been apart of helping us that I can feel my heart smile and cry when I think about it.

So, that is where I have been. I have been keeping my mind and my heart consumed with paperwork and fundraising.

Then, about 3 weeks ago, I was told our dossier was submitted, approved and we have a verbal referral for Gracie. The wait then began for a written, signed referral. Once we have that we also receive travel dates, book our trip and prepare to meet our Gracie. This is expected to happen 3-4 weeks after the verbal referral. As of today, it has been 3 weeks and 4 days (but whose counting). Every five minutes I check my email. All day long, I calculate what time it is in her country. I try to determine if our attorney is asleep or awake and working. If I feel that she is awake, I check my email again. At 2am our time it's likely her work day is beginning. So, I check my email when I should be sleeping. When I wake up in the morning, before I even get out of bed, I check my email through sleepy eyes.

I have prayed and asked everyone to pray. I am trying so hard to honor God's timing in this. That is all I know to do.

But today I was sitting at my computer at work and I realized that night was falling in my baby girl's country and I started to cry. Out of nowhere crocodile tears were flowing down my face. I grabbed my car keys and ran to my car to cry and save myself from embarrassment at work.

Sitting in my car, I let myself go somewhere that for the past eight months I have not allowed to happen. I realized today that I love Gracie. It may sound silly, but I have been protecting my heart from loving her. I have been protecting myself form the pain and sadness that I feel today. She is 6,112(ish) miles away. 6,112 miles away from her home. 6,112 miles away from her family. She doesn't even know what a home and family are, but soon she will. For 3 years, 5 months, and 21 days she has been without a real home, a real family. Today I let my mind and heart go there. I put my guard down and I yearned and cried for our baby girl. Today I realized...I love her. When I look at her picture I feel something different than before. Even though I've never met her, I miss her.

Please pray with me that we will get an email with our travel dates soon. We are ready to look into her eyes, touch her cheeks, stroke her hair and tell her that we love her.